I can’t tell you how many times I’ve uttered the phrase ” My people-pleasing really messed me up this time.”

I found a journal entry from earlier this year and I changed it to fit the structure of an email so that I’m not just vomiting on the page but this was the gist of it …

I sat there, silently fuming. I had agreed – yet again – to do something I didn’t want to do. When I was asked, it’s as if on autopilot, I agreed and I knew that I would spend a lot of time and energy leading up to the event:

-> Beating myself up and promising that this would be the LAST time I put myself in this position.

-> Trying to justify why it was good for me to do it because it would help build character, be good for networking purposes and/or it would be the right/nice thing to do.

The outcome would always be the same:

1. I’d go and constantly remind myself how dumb/weak/spineless I am.

2. I’d pull the pin at the last minute and feel like an asshole.

Either way, I would feel like crap before, during and after.

My ‘need’ to be liked knows no bounds.

Take for example the friend who unfollowed me. We hadn’t seen each other in about 6 years but we’d sporadically message and I’d like and/or leave comments on her posts. I was a little baffled when I noticed that she had unfollowed me. So what do I do? I send her a message #facepalm AND it wasn’t even a direct “hey, is something wrong” (which I think is a waste of time as well) but instead, I wrote a very “nice” #barf message with the intention of making her question her decision.

So. Fucking. Embarrassing.

Oh, and the madness doesn’t stop there. Oh, no. There are COUNTLESS instances where my people-pleasing made me question my sanity, drained my energy and made me feel like a giant wimp.

There were also all the times I kept quiet as I listened to the other person/people talk about things that go against what I believe but said nothing because I didn’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. So instead, I opted to be the one who was uncomfortable.

And all the times I offered to help even though I wasn’t in a position to help and as a result, it set me back financially, emotionally and/or physically.

It’s funny how during “those” times and by “those” times, I mean pre-self-worth work (BSWW … before self-worth work), those were the times that lay the foundation of what would be the catalyst to get me to change.

The frustration and resentment began to mount.

Constantly attracting the same type of man and getting the same type of result.

The financial struggle ensued.

My body began its revolt.

My external world was a reflection of my internal world.

It’s like the Universe was saying “How much more can you take?” and I was over here saying “But I really want people to like me”.

So, She kept turning up the dial until it got too uncomfortable for me to keep doing what I was doing.

Thankfully, those instances are few and far between now.

Your time and your energy are precious commodities and when you give them away or sell them to the first bidder, let’s just say that much like your body will try to evacuate your bowels when you’ve consumed something unhealthy, your spirit will try to dispel you of the things/beliefs/ideas/people that are out of alignment and the stronger you try to hold on because you’ve somehow tied your self-worth to external validation … it’s going to be one helluva bumpy ride and it will continue to be until you’re ready to let it go.

So, if you find yourself:

Attracting the same sort of people and circumstances into your life.

Feeling depleted.

Struggling financially.

Eating foods that don’t nourish your body.

Constantly scrolling through social media

Binging on videos/shows/movies

It may be time to address the elephant in the room and get out of the pressure cooker that the Universe has put you in.

Here’s to new beginnings!

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